Academic Paper Writing, Essay Editing, and Research Help
不是机构,互助式论坛，帮别人改两篇可以发一篇让别人改。除了我们这种写文书的，有专业人士在里面回复。
话说我也在申请中，希望用过文书机构的同学们看看这个网站，然后麻烦告诉我和机构比怎么样？谢谢大家啦
----一下是其中一个我觉得写的很好的例子------
原帖UChicago Essay Prompt: "Find X". (Wrote about my passion for computers and patterns)
UChicago Essay Prompt: "Find X". (Wrote about my passion for computers and patterns)
I would be very grateful for ANY feedback on my University of Chicago application essay. I was hoping for general feedback on the essay as a whole, such as whether it's impressive, how well it answers the prompt, what it says about me as a person, etc.
Thank you in advance! Anyway, here goes:
Prompt: Find X.
The crisscrossing lines of the letter x have always held a special place in our hearts. They represent the great mysteries, the family crest of knowledge and the unknown. From terrorizing algebra students to marking a pirate's gold, we have used the letter x to symbolize the most important, the most frightening, and the most fascinating things in our lives. To find x is to find a solution to a problem. For convenience, many choose to alter the semantics: the unfulfillment of one's dreams is the problem; the assumed solution is its realization. However, such dreams can suffer great change, even over short periods of time. In few cases do specific dreams persist for years, even fewer for decades. Therefore, accurate analysis of someone's character and essential motives requires a subtler metric: the direction in which that person's aspirations shift over time. Time is represented on graphs along the x-axis as the independent variable; it does not have its destiny determined: it determines the destiny of others. Extending the mathematical analogy, such the direction in which one's aspirations shift over time can be expressed as dx/dt, the change of x with respect to time. Personally, I can identify a theme of dreams within my own life: the continual refinement of the desire to connect ideas.
Although my early goals consisted mostly of basic and instinctive desires, my fascination with connections set me apart, even as a child. While my peers contented themselves with candy and stand-alone toys, I persistently sought after durable toys which retained complete compatibility with each other. Although similar desires are surely present in the minds of all children (as evidenced by the success of Legos), mine seemed to have been greater in degree; the very notion that I could create something original out of these combinations fascinated me. In my young eyes, almost everything worth knowing seemed to have an ancient answer; I saw no new frontier; thus, I married the creativity offered in these toys to youthful romanticism. As I grew, I began to channel this impractical idealism to academic subjects and computers, where meaningful and useful connections abounded all the more.
In elementary school, I met many brave new ideas, some of which profoundly altered my goals to come. Needless to say, the ideas which interested me tended to reside in my science books, and, as time progressed, I began to admire the physical sciences above all others. Despite the inherent superficiality of scientific explanations proffered in primary school, I still gleaned several meaningful connections. For instance, even oversimplified kinetic theory connected the mechanics of nature's essential particles to the movement of elastic balls on a macroscopic scale. The abundance of similar scientific models began to inhabit my mind, and soon enough I yearned to contribute to science. My fascination with connections became an obsession: I was intrigued the way molecules bond with each other to make up everything, how combinations of quarks make up molecules, and how these particles behaved on a quantum level. I held over-detailed dreams of my future as an engineer, astronomer, or entrepreneur. Although my x found no firm ground in these years, my dx/dt held fairly constant: I continued to delight in purer and purer webs of ideas.
When I dreamt of connections in the sciences, I regarded computers as a tool to relieve the imagination. As I studied elegant mathematical proofs and lines of code, the purity and relevance of each statement enthralled me. Every step of writing a program fit more perfectly than any toy and proved truer than any physical model. Perhaps most fascinating about computing, I found, was the fact that useful tools could be made with nothing but the symbols on my keyboard and a good bit of creativity. Independent mathematical and computational further solidified this realization. Indeed, without outside instruction, I had developed my own mobile user interface app; a mobile security software followed about a year afterwards. Although insignificant in the scheme of computing, these discoveries gave me a glimpse of freer and cleverer connections. I began to dream of a future career in involving computing, mathematics, and the physical sciences. The grand trend of my aspirations again settled in a realm better suited for connections.
At this time, I still hold dreams of achieving something of merit within the field of computers. Considering the hitherto enumerated experiences, however, my dreams may evolve to admire another field of study or expertise. That is, my x may still change in the future. Luckily, though, my dx/dt remains fairly constant: if I do change x, I will do so by setting my heart on a purer system of connections. Fortunately, the University of Chicago's Institute of Molecular Engineering provides an ideal environment in which my dreams can grow and develop without artificial restraint. At this school, I could potentially fall in love with nuclear physics, chemistry, or even biology and still graduate with competitive proficiency in the major and a prestigious degree. If, however, my x has permanently rested upon the connection of ideas; if I continue to delight in the search for mathematical patterns; Chicago gives me unlimited room to express myself, especially since it's one of the few universities with a molecular engineering program. Whatever my future yields, I hope to spend many years of meaningful education at the University of Chicago, whose assistance can help me approach my x (even if x slightly changes from time to time.)
ME bonboncase 13
Oct 11, 2015 #2
Hi there.
The language you use are absolutely very well. The first paragraph(P1) is quite intriguing and can raise the readers interest. However, I think P2 has little REAL content. You concentrated too much on your beautiful language, but you showed little FACTS and STORIES about yourself. Such as this sentence "In my young eyes, almost everything worth knowing seemed to have an ancient answer; I saw no new frontier;" if you could use an example to demonstrate your point, you will be more convincing.
The following paragraphs are good with examples. I like your ending which demonstrated Find X again.
Help with mine Brandeis MSF essay-Why are you interested and how will it help?
Help with mine Essay for CMU MSCF---Describe your background in finance, computer science, math and statistics.
vangiespen [Contributor] 1003
Oct 12, 2015 #3
Mohammad, I find that your essay is quite interesting to read. However, your first paragraph is too long and does not really represent your quest to "Find X" in your life. Rather than this long winded paragraph that does not offer much of an insight into your personality, as a reviewer, I would rather have read about your own personal equation of Finding X. What to you is the formula for "Finding X"? What is the hypothetical outcome of this equation?
From there, the proceeding paragraphs should go on to explain how you plan to solve the equation. What is the formula involved in your theory? The response to it being the academic search that led you to the doors of UChicago. Now, having potentially solved a part of the equation, you should expand the formula to show how your involvement with the academic community of UChicago will help you resolve the equation and finally "Find X".
The last paragraph of your essay is highly effective in my opinion. It shares enough information about your future plans and how you feel your computation for finding X can still be adjusted to meet new parameters as they occur in your life. This has the potential to be a very insightful essay. Right now, all you have to do is make sure that your first 2 paragraphs shed light on your quest to "Find X" in your life and how UChicago can help you do that.
justivy03 [Contributor] 225
Oct 13, 2015 #4
Mohammad, your essay is such a good read, you were able to mix two worlds together, the "X" as a representation of life's mysteries and the "X" that inspired you to move forward and lead the way to your dreams.
However, as I read the first paragraph, I got confused as to were the essay is leading to, but hey, it was not long that I realize that you are making or gaining representation from the letter "X", it is indeed a crisscross pattern, just like life as a whole it's a pattern of never ending confusion, adventure and rewards.
The fact that you elaborately wrote the experiences you have in life in a very interesting manner, drive a lot of readers to your essay.
When it comes to the justification of the prompt, I believe you have a strong shot with this essay, I just hope that you can eliminate some of the unnecessary information on the essay as it is quiet a long read especially for the admissions officer, don't get me wrong, all the information are important, but there's a difference between important and pertinent information that will back up your essay or application, to that of informations that are add ons to be as detailed as possible.
Overall, it's a well written essay and the best of luck to you. |
转播
